Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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