i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
