toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
