Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
