Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He shit in the fireplace
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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