Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
