We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
false alarm, still single
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
