Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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