im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
