I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
