These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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