it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
