thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
