Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
