true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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