trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
