just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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