my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
