She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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