Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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