Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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