happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
