I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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