You smell like a Billy Joel song
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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