your thong is hanging out like whoa
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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