I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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