the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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