never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
