you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
