ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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