I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
