Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
