We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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