I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
