i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
