barbara walters just said penis...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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