I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
