Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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