Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
