How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
