He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
