Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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