My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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