"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
