Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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