I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
