piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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