They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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