he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
