I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
