Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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