I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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