You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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