he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
